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Is Your Spouse Cheating on You? A Guide for the Really Dense

Cheating Spouse

First Posted: 01/06/12 10:38 AM ET Updated: 01/06/12 10:38 AM ET

John Blumenthal:

Infidelity among couples over fifty is on the rise. Most marriage counselors advise husbands and wives to be vigilant. Look for trends. An early sign of a trend might be if your spouse cheated on you during your honeymoon.

Infidelity is one of the primary causes of divorce, along with lack of communication, sexual problems and patriotism, which was not a reason until Newt Gingrich came along.

A casual, one-time dalliance doesn't usually lead to divorce unless it involves your spouse and one of your siblings. Also, if your spouse has been fooling around for the last twenty years with someone you're not related to, this might be a problem. To avoid divorce, it's crucial to nip your spouse's affair in the bed, er bud.

You don't need to be genius to tell whether your spouse is being unfaithful. The signs are usually pretty obvious. But some people are just plain dense. These are the same folks who think a Shamwow makes for an exciting anniversary gift. If you happen to fall into this category, here are a few subtle signs of spousal philandering:

Tips For Really Dense Wives:

1. If your husband spends a lot of time at the computer searching for honeymoon suites in the Bahamas and you've used up all your vacation time, this might be a subtle sign that he's having an affair.

2. If he starts repeatedly calling you Bambi by mistake and your name is Cynthia, it doesn't mean he's just seen a Disney movie. Be suspicious.

3. If he's reading The Joy of Sex and you haven't had sex with him for over six months, that might be a tip-off. Similarly, if he's regularly perusing a dog-eared copy of the Kama Sutra and seeing a chiropractor twice a week, you might interpret this as an indication that he's contorting with someone other than you.

4. If the two of you have always been liberal Democrats and he suddenly starts to extol the intellect of Rick Perry, he's either sustained a severe head injury or, more likely, is secretly dating a Republican woman.

5. If he comes home disheveled and tells you he got caught in a hurricane, look out the window immediately. If it's not even raining, there's a small chance he might be lying.

6. If he has a framed photograph of another woman on his night table, this may be an indication that he's fooling around. There's also a good chance that the woman in the picture is his lover. (Do not be fooled if he claims he recently bought the frame and forgot to remove the generic picture, especially if the photo is inscribed to him.)

7. If he repeatedly tells you he has to stay very, very late at the office and he's unemployed, you might want to look into that.

Tips For Really Dense Husbands:

1. If your land line rings and your wife answers it, then locks herself in another room for two hours to talk to the caller and later tells you it was UNICEF asking for a donation, this could mean that something is amiss.

2. If her credit card bills indicate that she's recently spent $3,000 on lingerie at Victoria's Secret and you haven't seen her wearing any of it, don't conclude that she's saving it for a special occasion. She might be, but the occasion probably does not involve you.

3. If she tells you she's going away for a weekend to spend some time with her mother and her mother is deceased, be suspicious.

4. If she brings home huge bouquets of red roses several times a week, you might assume that she's not buying them for herself.

5. If your wife has a healthy libido and she starts spending nights sleeping on the the uncomfortable convertible sofa in your guest room, this could be a signal that she's not that interested in having sex with you. You might conclude that this is because she's having sex with someone else.

6. Of course, the easiest way to tell your wife is cheating on you is if you find her in your bed with another man. This is fairly irrefutable evidence. Do not fall for the explanation that the guy in your bed is a nudist mattress technician testing your box springs.

7. If your wife tells you she's having an affair, it doesn't mean she's planning to throw a dinner party.